BREAKING: President Buhari salutes Shiites for their contribution to national stability

Zaria, Nigeria

President Buhari has saluted the doggedness of members of the Islamic Movement of Nigeria (IMN) otherwise referred to as Shiites, led by the recently injured El Zakzaky. He stated that "Shiites have by their martyrdom given the Nigerian army a great testing ground for all the new soldiers who did not know what it felt like to kill an unarmed human being."

He said this in a visit to the ruins of the Hussainiyya shrine which was reduced to rubble in the December 2015 assault by General Buratai's army. Impressed by the thoroughness of the army, he was moved by how nothing had changed since his days in the army. "You still know how to destroy the way we did those days," Buhari said.

Reacting from his hospital bed, Sheikh Zakzaky said he had no comment apart from putting his complete trust in the leadership of President Buhari, especially given his capacity to make so many Shiites disappear in so little time.

Buhari promised that as soon as the Shiite leader was well enough, he would be invited to an award ceremony for his contribution to democracy. "Every democracy needs an army with fearless soldiers. And sometimes soldiers have nowhere to train and no real humans to kill. How then can they be ready when a real challenge emerges. The Shiites provided this great human opportunity by sacrificing several hundred of their members to help. Only Allah can reward them for this."

President Buhari finally urged the Shiite leader to be as religious in taking his medications as he was in providing humans, including six of his own children for army sniper and murder training.

BREAKING: PRESIDENT BUHARI INSISTS GENERAL ABACHA'S MILITARY JUNTA WAS NOT CORRUPT. ORDERS RESEARCH INTO ABACHA'S GOVERNANCE STYLE

Aso Villa, Abuja.

The presidency, Friday gave indications that it was interested in copying the governance ideology of late General Sani Abacha, head of the military junta that ruled Nigeria with an iron fist from 1993 to 1998. President Buhari, who served as Chairman of Abacha's Petroleum Trust Fund, said in an exclusive interview that "although he was a much maligned Head of State, he [Abacha] did nothing to my knowledge that was improper."

When asked what he thought about the millions of dollars regularly returned by foreign governments from accounts owned by the Abachas, President Buhari said: "Really, I cannot say why he did that, why he took all that money. Maybe he was saving. Who knows? Only Allah knows the heart of a man. And as Ahmadou Kourouma said: 'Allah is not obliged to be fair about all the things he does on earth.' Maybe it was his way of saving money for the country. You know the army did things differently then. Who knows? Who am I to judge?"

President Buhari subsequently ordered his staff to undertake a study of the Abacha government for the purpose of replicating it. He consequently ordered his official photographer Bayo Omoboriowo to meet with Abacha's photographer, Wednesday.

See photos after the cut.

BREAKING: Inside Buhari's Secret Deal With Jonathan

Abuja, Nigeria.

Dissociated Press has just uncovered fresh details of a pre-inauguration deal struck between then President-elect Muhammadu Buhari and Goodluck Jonathan. Sources within the current administration who pleaded anonymity told our investigative reporters that this deal was one of the real reasons why then President Jonathan decided to throw in the towel after the elections and not put up a fight as anticipated by many Nigeria watchers.

Buhari allegedly promised to give Jonathan and his henchmen in the ministries three months to cover up their tracks and hide or destroy all relevant records that could lead to their imprisonment. During this time, Buhari pledged not to have any Ministers or cabinet. "Whatever they can not cover during the three months will then be used in anti-corruption prosecutions," one of our sources said.

When approached for comment, volunteers in President Buhari's office wrote back to Dissociated Press accusing our reporter of being "an agent of the devil and a closet Jonathanian". They wrote that they had never "heard such arrant nonsense" and that this was "a campaign of calumny aimed at soiling the good name of Mr President." They also said that they would not tolerate "casting aspersions or fingering the Presidency in any stupid deal with the Devil", adding that they were doing everything possible to see that Dissociated Press is "destroyed once and for all".

Each time former President Jonathan was contacted for comment, our reporter was told that he was in the gym with his wife doing yoga.

BUHARI CONDEMNS BURKINA FASO COUP; SAYS HIS '83 COUP WAS DIFFERENT

Abuja, Nigeria

President Buhari in an exclusive chat with Dissociated Press, Friday, condemned in the strongest terms the coup in Burkina Faso by members of its army, effectively truncating democracy only weeks to a general election.

"As Africans we reject unequivocally the truncating of democracy by gun wielding soldiers," Buhari said.

When asked if he did not feel conflicted as someone who himself benefitted from a successful coup which overthrew a democratically elected government, he sighed, paused and replied:

"You see my coup was different. My coup was a good coup. There are good coups and there are bad coups. But that is not even the main issue. I have repented. Can someone not repent again? If a boy has been going around sleeping with women and now he has stopped, can he not advise younger boys not to go around sleeping with women?"

Mr Buhari first came to power in a military coup in December 1983 which toppled the democratically elected regime of Mr Shehu Shagari, before defeating Goodluck Jonathan in 2015 in a general election to become president a second time.

Mr Buhari further advised all dictators to repent from dictatorships.

"You see now America is my friend. In '83 when I did a coup, America was not my friend. They like me now because I did an election. Everyone needs to be America's friend. They don't like using guns to get power. I mean, they like guns freely available in their country for everyone without discrimination but that is only because their citizens are not going to wake up and do a coup. People should learn from me."

Mr Buhari was recently received very warmly by the US President Barrack Obama.

MULTICHOICE (DSTV) REACTS TO XENOPHOBIA IN SOUTH AFRICA

Pretoria, South Africa

The chief executive of Multichoice, providers of the satellite television subscription service, DSTV, has Monday, spoken out against the recent wave of xenophobic attacks in some communities in South Africa.

In a speech, the chief executive said that those who beat, stabbed and killed foreigners were cowards who knew nothing about what it means to be South African. He added that although xenophobia was unacceptable, "the calls for the boycott of South African goods and services particularly in countries like Nigeria" was unfair.

Making a pledge to keep speaking out against xenophobia, he added that DSTV was making the next two months free to all current subscribers of the television service in Nigeria, the company's biggest market. The free subscription applies to all customers with a valid subscription, whether those with the family bouquet or premium bouquet and takes effect from the end of each customers current subscription.

He advised customers benefitting from this xenophobia induced bonanza to use their two free months wisely and watch as many channels as their work and family life allow.

Efforts to reach the South African company MTN to ask if they too were planning a xenophobia bonanza proved abortive.

BREAKING: GOODLUCK JONATHAN, AIDES DECAMP TO APC

Abuja, Nigeria.

In a WhatsApp message leaked exclusively to our reporter, details of a secret meeting between APC party leader Bola Ahmed Tinubu, Muhammadu Buhari and Goodluck Jonathan have been revealed.

The trio met throughout the night, Thursday to work out a deal that would see General Buhari retain some members of the PDP government and protect the assets of the outgoing president.

The WhatsApp message sent to us by a close senior aide to one of the three, details how Goodluck Jonathan "begged Buhari not to revoke his oil well allocations or those of his wife Patience Jonathan."

Buhari who was stoic throughout the meeting, simply nodded without saying a word. Bola Ahmed Tinubu was the one who allegedly broached the issue, first as a joke, that "it would be great to have the outgoing president embracing change by joining the winning party."

According to our source who pleaded anonymity, "President Jonathan laughed, stopped, and then nervously said: 'Wetin person go lose sef. Oya now, Tinubu, get me the party ticket. Make we all change together.'"

General Buhari then smiled, for the first time during the meeting.

Doyin Okupe, aide to President Jonathan, upon hearing this news, quickly called the APC leader in his local ward to demand an APC Party membership card. The WhatsApp message ended by saying that Reno Omokri and Reuben Abati were considering decamping to the PDP, but couldn't reach the APC National Chairman by phone. "Network problems," our source concluded.

It is unclear when President Jonathan will make the announcement formal, or whether Bola Tinubu will actually send President Jonathan the membership cards.

All attempts to reach the trio for comment proved abortive.

JONATHAN TO APPOINT WOMEN WITH DREADLOCKS TO SENSITIVE POSITIONS

Lagos, Nigeria.

In a quick stop at the headquarters of the Hairdressers Association of Nigeria (HAN) in Lagos, Saturday, President Jonathan expressed appreciation for the good work the hairdressers were doing in "making the women of Nigeria palatable". Jonathan, who had earlier asked for the price list of popular hairdos in Lagos, shocked the hairdressers when he made a pledge to appoint women with dreadlocks to sensitive positions in government.

"I don't know how many women with dada we have but I doubt we have much because of how our people take dada as something bad. But the thing shocked me as I saw you are doing dada, ehn? did you say... oh, sorry, dreadlocks. Yes dreadlocks, I was shocked to see you do it for nearly 8,000 for new one. Instantly I told myself that if I appoint more women who will wear their dreadlocks openly in government, like if a woman as Diezani should carry dreadlocks, it will encourage women to come and also do the same. Just think of it, eight-eight thousand into how many places. You people will be even richer than Dangote. It will help. I will help the economy."

The President of the Hairdressers Association, Mrs Felicia Gashi in her remarks, thanked the President for his visit and pledge, but said that the association had only two main needs at the moment.

"If Mr. President will look into these plenty men from Ghana who come as hairdressers to take our business and just give us electricity, we will be happy."

Mr Doyin Okupe who was accompanying President Jonathan, retorted: "Which electricity? Mr President has just promised that you will become rich like Dangote. Does Dangote complain about generator or diesel? Is he not enjoying his money? Please don't be ungrateful."

The visit ended soon thereafter.