BREAKING: Shocker! Jonathan Won't Return From Germany

Abuja- Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock correspondent indicate that after a marathon meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Jonathan may not be returning to Nigeria after his "private visit". Our correspondent whose source inside President Jonathan's small entourage is reliable, has told us that President Jonathan was filled with enormous guilt after the meeting and decided to renounce corruption and bad governance.

"What will I tell God when I die?" President Jonathan confided in a friend whose identity we cannot disclose.

President Jonathan has reportedly finished drafting his resignation letter and is about completing the process of seeking asylum in Germany because he is afraid to face prosecution for corruption when he returns without presidential immunity.

When asked whether he would send for his family, he responded: "Every one has his race to run. I was born alone. Pashay (Patience) was born alone. She can come if she wants. Or she can face trial for corruption. It is all up to her. Me I have made my choice."

It will be recalled that Nuhu Ribadu once investigated Mrs Jonathan for money laundering after a courier was arrested with millions of pounds reportedly belonging to her.

President Jonathan has also reportedly begun a regimen of strict exercise and dieting as well as quit wearing his bowler hat. He said the hat reminded him of his sinful days.

It is unclear whether the Vice President will take over as president or resign himself and hand over to the Senate President.

More details shortly.

BREAKING: JONATHAN FIRES DIEZANI, OKUPE

Abuja, Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock reporter indicate that Nigerian President, Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, who was recently certified Ebola free in America, may have fired some of his dearest cabinet members, Monday. A source who swore to deal with our reporter if his identity was revealed showed leaked messages of a memo directing that Minister for Petroleum and rumoured sweetheart of President Jonathan, Diezani Allison Madueke immediately hand over to the Permanent Secretary in that Ministry and leave office. She is to return all items belonging to the Ministry including any monies she might have been stashing for the president. Also affected by the shakeup include presidential spokesperson, Doyin Okupe, who was reportedly fired for "acting like a teenager on Twitter". 

It will be recalled that Mr Okupe recently invoked the power of God in the recent elections in Osun, calling the opponents of the PDP candidate cohorts of Satan. It is not clear whether the presidency blames Okupe for losing the Osun elections. Upon being notified of his sack, Okupe is said to have immediately tweeted:

"Good riddance.Tired of d lies even.Nevr realy liked Ebele nyway.Was jst in it for the money. #Bringbackourgirls jo." 

Minutes later, the tweet was deleted. It is not immediately clear if his account was hacked. He declined all requests for comment. 

In related news, Malam Nuhu Ribadu, who recently dumped the APC, has been appointed as the head of an investigative team probing the NNPC to uncover any fraud. 

All attempts to reach the presidency for comments failed woefully.