JONATHAN TO APPOINT WOMEN WITH DREADLOCKS TO SENSITIVE POSITIONS

Lagos, Nigeria.

In a quick stop at the headquarters of the Hairdressers Association of Nigeria (HAN) in Lagos, Saturday, President Jonathan expressed appreciation for the good work the hairdressers were doing in "making the women of Nigeria palatable". Jonathan, who had earlier asked for the price list of popular hairdos in Lagos, shocked the hairdressers when he made a pledge to appoint women with dreadlocks to sensitive positions in government.

"I don't know how many women with dada we have but I doubt we have much because of how our people take dada as something bad. But the thing shocked me as I saw you are doing dada, ehn? did you say... oh, sorry, dreadlocks. Yes dreadlocks, I was shocked to see you do it for nearly 8,000 for new one. Instantly I told myself that if I appoint more women who will wear their dreadlocks openly in government, like if a woman as Diezani should carry dreadlocks, it will encourage women to come and also do the same. Just think of it, eight-eight thousand into how many places. You people will be even richer than Dangote. It will help. I will help the economy."

The President of the Hairdressers Association, Mrs Felicia Gashi in her remarks, thanked the President for his visit and pledge, but said that the association had only two main needs at the moment.

"If Mr. President will look into these plenty men from Ghana who come as hairdressers to take our business and just give us electricity, we will be happy."

Mr Doyin Okupe who was accompanying President Jonathan, retorted: "Which electricity? Mr President has just promised that you will become rich like Dangote. Does Dangote complain about generator or diesel? Is he not enjoying his money? Please don't be ungrateful."

The visit ended soon thereafter.

BREAKING NEWS: FANI KAYODE SECRETLY WORKING FOR BUHARI

Lagos, Nigeria

Documents anonymously leaked to Dissociated Press, Wednesday, have suggested that the trio of Femi Fani Kayode, Doyin Okupe and Ayo Fayose had entered into a secret pact with the APC to secure victory for General Buhari at the 2015 presidential polls. One of the documents, a blood oath agreement signed by all three persons on a blood stained, blue A4 Conqueror paper, shows that all parties had agreed to work against the re-election of President Goodluck Jonathan "by any means necessary." It is unclear why they chose blue Conqueror paper instead of the more official cream or white.

In an appendix to the one page agreement, an equally blood-stained A4 plain sheet, outlined the duties of each of the three PDP members as follows:

Femi Fani Kayode: To systematically reduce the appeal of President Goodluck Jonathan by issuing extreme, odious and violent press releases in the name of Jesus; To bring President Jonathan into disrepute by spewing intolerance and hate.
Doyin Okupe: To irritate and annoy young and middle aged Nigerians on social media and make President Jonathan impossible to like; To pepper most messages with the name of Jesus, occasionally calling people children of Satan, giving the impression of the President as a religious bigot; To speak with no sense of decorum, bringing into question President Jonathan's sense of judgment in appointing his aides.
Ayo Fayose: To take it all up several notches by sponsoring the most cringe-worthy messages capable of putting doubts in even the staunchest supporters of President Goodluck Jonathan; To make Jonathan appear weak and unable to tame the wild elements in his campaign team.

The rest of the text was illegible due to the dried patches of blood, likely from the blood oath. The document also stated that anyone who failed to carry out their duties would die a painful death. When reached for comment, Governor Ayo Fayose issuing a denial said: "Look here, I cannot sign a blood oath with anybody with my life...Yes, eyan le ku any fucking time, but that does not mean I will sign something that says I will die."

When asked to clarify his statement, he dropped the call. All attempts to reach the other persons involved for comment proved abortive.