Tuesday, March 3, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: FANI KAYODE SECRETLY WORKING FOR BUHARI

Lagos, Nigeria

Documents anonymously leaked to Dissociated Press, Wednesday, have suggested that the trio of Femi Fani Kayode, Doyin Okupe and Ayo Fayose had entered into a secret pact with the APC to secure victory for General Buhari at the 2015 presidential polls. One of the documents, a blood oath agreement signed by all three persons on a blood stained, blue A4 Conqueror paper, shows that all parties had agreed to work against the re-election of President Goodluck Jonathan "by any means necessary." It is unclear why they chose blue Conqueror paper instead of the more official cream or white.

In an appendix to the one page agreement, an equally blood-stained A4 plain sheet, outlined the duties of each of the three PDP members as follows:

Femi Fani Kayode: To systematically reduce the appeal of President Goodluck Jonathan by issuing extreme, odious and violent press releases in the name of Jesus; To bring President Jonathan into disrepute by spewing intolerance and hate.
Doyin Okupe: To irritate and annoy young and middle aged Nigerians on social media and make President Jonathan impossible to like; To pepper most messages with the name of Jesus, occasionally calling people children of Satan, giving the impression of the President as a religious bigot; To speak with no sense of decorum, bringing into question President Jonathan's sense of judgment in appointing his aides.
Ayo Fayose: To take it all up several notches by sponsoring the most cringe-worthy messages capable of putting doubts in even the staunchest supporters of President Goodluck Jonathan; To make Jonathan appear weak and unable to tame the wild elements in his campaign team.

The rest of the text was illegible due to the dried patches of blood, likely from the blood oath. The document also stated that anyone who failed to carry out their duties would die a painful death. When reached for comment, Governor Ayo Fayose issuing a denial said: "Look here, I cannot sign a blood oath with anybody with my life...Yes, eyan le ku any fucking time, but that does not mean I will sign something that says I will die."

When asked to clarify his statement, he dropped the call. All attempts to reach the other persons involved for comment proved abortive.

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