BREAKING: JONATHAN ADMITS TO CORRUPTION. APOLOGIZES.

Abuja. Nigeria.

Following his being outed as the 6th richest President in Africa, Mr Jonathan in a rare exclusive interview with our Nigerian reporter, disclosed Friday, that he was aware of the myriad allegations of corruption against him, his family, his women friends and his government. Mr Jonathan had always maintained a dignified silence in the face of accusations and gone about his business of running Africa's largest economy. However, this Friday, facing threats of sanctions from the international community and America who recently denied his wife a visa, he has capitulated.
"I admit to taking a few billion dollars from NNPC and other slush funds," he began, teary-eyed. "I never intended to hurt anyone. Elections are expensive and all I have ever done is struggle to make things work. I had a tough childhood and have always had to fight for everything I have. I promise that this will never happen again, ever."
He urged Nigerians not to be enemies of progress and refuse to bring him back to power in 2015. "When a man is a star," he said, "you don't try to bring him down. You have to draw a line between justice and wickedness."
He said further that it was sufficient that people had called him out on all the impropriety and Nigerians should now focus on seeing him learn from his mistakes and grow in office between 2015 and 2019. "Who God have bless, no man can curse," he ended.
It is not clear whether Nigerians will temper justice with mercy and return him for another four year term in 2015. When asked if he would return the monies he had taken, he retorted: "Is an apology not good enough? What do you want? My blood?".