APC CHRISTIANS URGE FASHOLA TO ACCEPT CHRIST AND END DEADLOCK

Abuja, Nigeria.

 A Christian group within the All Progressives Congress (APC), Nigeria's main opposition party, have been holding marathon meetings over the purported Muslim-Muslim ticket rumoured to be in the works in the APC. 

Many analysts and pundits have expressed concern over the rumours, which suggest that the APC may field General Muhammadu Buhari alongside Governor Babatunde Fashola, also a Muslim. Even with rumours that Governor Fashola consumes alcohol and bacon and was not that much of a devout Muslim, Nigerian Christians as well as Christian members of the APC have viewed the pairing with suspicion. Chicken Farmer and ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo even recently warned political parties against fielding candidates of the same religion, a warning purportedly directed at the APC. However, Fashola remains one of the most popular members of the APC due to his comparatively stellar performance as Lagos governor. 

To remedy the suspicion raised by this potentially great but religiously imbalanced pairing, a group within the APC that calls itself Christians Urgently Needing Transformation (CUNT) has come up with an elaborate program of consultations and prayers culminating in a visit, Wednesday, to the Lagos Governor to urge him to accept Jesus as his Lord and personal savior and "save Nigeria from imminent collapse under the PDP". 

Mr Fashola thanked the group for their visit and promised them that he would think deeply about their proposal. 

It is expected that once Governor Fashola converts to Christianity, the way will be clear for him to run with the Muslim Buhari. 

All attempts to reach Governor Fashola for comment failed woefully. 

SENATE PRESIDENT DENIES BEING DAVID MARK OF ABACHA ERA

Abuja, Nigeria.

Senate President, David Mark has Saturday debunked rumours linking him to the truncation of democracy in 1993 together with General Sani Abacha and Murtala Nyako. He was reacting to a Sahara Reporters video showing Professor Humphrey Nwosu, former NEC Chairman, explaining why the free and fair election of 1993 was annulled. Professor Nwosu had named David Mark, then a senior member of the ruling military junta, as one of the main persons who orchestrated the annulling of the elections for no justifiable reason. Sahara Reporters had also reprinted the speech annulling the elections which had David Mark as one of those who signed the document cancelling the elections. He was listed as the third signatory by the name: "Brigadier General David Alechenu Mark- Director, National War College."

Responding, David Mark swore on all the lives of his "twenty or so children", saying: "I am an icon of democracy, I have been championing democracy since 99, how can I annul elections? It wasn't me. I swear. It wasn't me. Maybe another David Mark, but not me."
When our reporter showed him pictures of himself in military uniform, he said: "Look here young man, even Shekau has his double. People can do anything with photos."
It is expected that David Mark will seek election in the 2015 general elections.

DOYIN OKUPE LIKENS BUHARI TO HERPES

Abuja, Nigeria.

Mr Doyin Okupe, spokesperson to the Nigerian President, in an exclusive interview with Dissociated Press commented extensively on the declaration of General Muhammadu Buhari for presidency under the All Progressives Alliance (APC). Speaking shortly after his boss Mr Jonathan declared he was going to run for office in 2015, he said, "Is Buhari not tired? Why does he keep chasing after the presidency? Why not allow a younger man like Jonathan to finish his term. You know this Buhari is just like herpes. Never goes away. You think it is gone but it keeps coming back, relentless."
Mr Okupe however, called on Nigerians to support "the choice of God for the greatest black nation on earth". When asked by our reporter why exactly he likened Buhari to herpes, Okupe said, "everyone who has had herpes know what I mean. Every 4 months, just when you forget it is there, it shows up and makes life miserable for you."
When asked if he knew herpes from reading or from experience Okupe retorted: "I have had it before, when I was in university, but thank God I no longer have it."
Our reporter then reminded Mr Okupe that there was no cure for herpes, following which Mr Okupe chased him with blows. Mr Okupe has since stopped responding to our phone calls.

BREAKING: JONATHAN ADMITS TO CORRUPTION. APOLOGIZES.

Abuja. Nigeria.

Following his being outed as the 6th richest President in Africa, Mr Jonathan in a rare exclusive interview with our Nigerian reporter, disclosed Friday, that he was aware of the myriad allegations of corruption against him, his family, his women friends and his government. Mr Jonathan had always maintained a dignified silence in the face of accusations and gone about his business of running Africa's largest economy. However, this Friday, facing threats of sanctions from the international community and America who recently denied his wife a visa, he has capitulated.
"I admit to taking a few billion dollars from NNPC and other slush funds," he began, teary-eyed. "I never intended to hurt anyone. Elections are expensive and all I have ever done is struggle to make things work. I had a tough childhood and have always had to fight for everything I have. I promise that this will never happen again, ever."
He urged Nigerians not to be enemies of progress and refuse to bring him back to power in 2015. "When a man is a star," he said, "you don't try to bring him down. You have to draw a line between justice and wickedness."
He said further that it was sufficient that people had called him out on all the impropriety and Nigerians should now focus on seeing him learn from his mistakes and grow in office between 2015 and 2019. "Who God have bless, no man can curse," he ended.
It is not clear whether Nigerians will temper justice with mercy and return him for another four year term in 2015. When asked if he would return the monies he had taken, he retorted: "Is an apology not good enough? What do you want? My blood?".

BREAKING: Shocker! Jonathan Won't Return From Germany

Abuja- Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock correspondent indicate that after a marathon meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Jonathan may not be returning to Nigeria after his "private visit". Our correspondent whose source inside President Jonathan's small entourage is reliable, has told us that President Jonathan was filled with enormous guilt after the meeting and decided to renounce corruption and bad governance.

"What will I tell God when I die?" President Jonathan confided in a friend whose identity we cannot disclose.

President Jonathan has reportedly finished drafting his resignation letter and is about completing the process of seeking asylum in Germany because he is afraid to face prosecution for corruption when he returns without presidential immunity.

When asked whether he would send for his family, he responded: "Every one has his race to run. I was born alone. Pashay (Patience) was born alone. She can come if she wants. Or she can face trial for corruption. It is all up to her. Me I have made my choice."

It will be recalled that Nuhu Ribadu once investigated Mrs Jonathan for money laundering after a courier was arrested with millions of pounds reportedly belonging to her.

President Jonathan has also reportedly begun a regimen of strict exercise and dieting as well as quit wearing his bowler hat. He said the hat reminded him of his sinful days.

It is unclear whether the Vice President will take over as president or resign himself and hand over to the Senate President.

More details shortly.

BREAKING: JONATHAN FIRES DIEZANI, OKUPE

Abuja, Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock reporter indicate that Nigerian President, Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, who was recently certified Ebola free in America, may have fired some of his dearest cabinet members, Monday. A source who swore to deal with our reporter if his identity was revealed showed leaked messages of a memo directing that Minister for Petroleum and rumoured sweetheart of President Jonathan, Diezani Allison Madueke immediately hand over to the Permanent Secretary in that Ministry and leave office. She is to return all items belonging to the Ministry including any monies she might have been stashing for the president. Also affected by the shakeup include presidential spokesperson, Doyin Okupe, who was reportedly fired for "acting like a teenager on Twitter". 

It will be recalled that Mr Okupe recently invoked the power of God in the recent elections in Osun, calling the opponents of the PDP candidate cohorts of Satan. It is not clear whether the presidency blames Okupe for losing the Osun elections. Upon being notified of his sack, Okupe is said to have immediately tweeted:

"Good riddance.Tired of d lies even.Nevr realy liked Ebele nyway.Was jst in it for the money. #Bringbackourgirls jo." 

Minutes later, the tweet was deleted. It is not immediately clear if his account was hacked. He declined all requests for comment. 

In related news, Malam Nuhu Ribadu, who recently dumped the APC, has been appointed as the head of an investigative team probing the NNPC to uncover any fraud. 

All attempts to reach the presidency for comments failed woefully. 

OKUPE, ABATI, HOSPITALIZED FOR RARE INFECTION

Abuja, Nigeria.

Shortly following his interview on BBC Focus on Africa, the Senior Special Assistant to the President on Public Affairs, Doyin Okupe was rushed to the National Hospital in Abuja for a life threatening mouth infection. Our sources also report that Abati has also been hospitalized for the same ailment.
In an interview with our correspondent, Chief Medical Director of the National Hospital, Professor Bello Bala Shehu explained that the infection which occurs a lot among politicians climbing up the ladder was caused by "contact of the mouth with the anal region." Asked to explain further he said: You non medical people call it kissing ass. When an aide to a politician does that often then the mouth oozes with horrible smelling discharges, offensive to normal human beings. This is what they are suffering from."
Professor Shehu could not state the duration of treatment or if they could recover from this infection.


Editors note: We at Dissociated Press are deeply concerned about the health of these public servants. We wish them a quick recovery.