BREAKING: Shocker! Jonathan Won't Return From Germany

Abuja- Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock correspondent indicate that after a marathon meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Jonathan may not be returning to Nigeria after his "private visit". Our correspondent whose source inside President Jonathan's small entourage is reliable, has told us that President Jonathan was filled with enormous guilt after the meeting and decided to renounce corruption and bad governance.

"What will I tell God when I die?" President Jonathan confided in a friend whose identity we cannot disclose.

President Jonathan has reportedly finished drafting his resignation letter and is about completing the process of seeking asylum in Germany because he is afraid to face prosecution for corruption when he returns without presidential immunity.

When asked whether he would send for his family, he responded: "Every one has his race to run. I was born alone. Pashay (Patience) was born alone. She can come if she wants. Or she can face trial for corruption. It is all up to her. Me I have made my choice."

It will be recalled that Nuhu Ribadu once investigated Mrs Jonathan for money laundering after a courier was arrested with millions of pounds reportedly belonging to her.

President Jonathan has also reportedly begun a regimen of strict exercise and dieting as well as quit wearing his bowler hat. He said the hat reminded him of his sinful days.

It is unclear whether the Vice President will take over as president or resign himself and hand over to the Senate President.

More details shortly.

BREAKING: JONATHAN FIRES DIEZANI, OKUPE

Abuja, Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock reporter indicate that Nigerian President, Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, who was recently certified Ebola free in America, may have fired some of his dearest cabinet members, Monday. A source who swore to deal with our reporter if his identity was revealed showed leaked messages of a memo directing that Minister for Petroleum and rumoured sweetheart of President Jonathan, Diezani Allison Madueke immediately hand over to the Permanent Secretary in that Ministry and leave office. She is to return all items belonging to the Ministry including any monies she might have been stashing for the president. Also affected by the shakeup include presidential spokesperson, Doyin Okupe, who was reportedly fired for "acting like a teenager on Twitter". 

It will be recalled that Mr Okupe recently invoked the power of God in the recent elections in Osun, calling the opponents of the PDP candidate cohorts of Satan. It is not clear whether the presidency blames Okupe for losing the Osun elections. Upon being notified of his sack, Okupe is said to have immediately tweeted:

"Good riddance.Tired of d lies even.Nevr realy liked Ebele nyway.Was jst in it for the money. #Bringbackourgirls jo." 

Minutes later, the tweet was deleted. It is not immediately clear if his account was hacked. He declined all requests for comment. 

In related news, Malam Nuhu Ribadu, who recently dumped the APC, has been appointed as the head of an investigative team probing the NNPC to uncover any fraud. 

All attempts to reach the presidency for comments failed woefully. 

OKUPE, ABATI, HOSPITALIZED FOR RARE INFECTION

Abuja, Nigeria.

Shortly following his interview on BBC Focus on Africa, the Senior Special Assistant to the President on Public Affairs, Doyin Okupe was rushed to the National Hospital in Abuja for a life threatening mouth infection. Our sources also report that Abati has also been hospitalized for the same ailment.
In an interview with our correspondent, Chief Medical Director of the National Hospital, Professor Bello Bala Shehu explained that the infection which occurs a lot among politicians climbing up the ladder was caused by "contact of the mouth with the anal region." Asked to explain further he said: You non medical people call it kissing ass. When an aide to a politician does that often then the mouth oozes with horrible smelling discharges, offensive to normal human beings. This is what they are suffering from."
Professor Shehu could not state the duration of treatment or if they could recover from this infection.


Editors note: We at Dissociated Press are deeply concerned about the health of these public servants. We wish them a quick recovery.

JONATHAN CONGRATULATES ARSENAL, URGES NIGERIANS TO EMULATE FANS

Paris, France.

Breaking from a meeting to discuss how to end Boko Haram with his West African neighbours, President Goodluck Jonathan took time out to share in the joy of a football club that has faced years of stigma as one which never won anything.

"I don't really watch football, but even a blind man can feel the global excitement when Arsenal won something. Even in my blackberry I was getting messages from my son and from Tompolo- I didn't know militants like football. Even Asari changed his display picture to Arsenal. I want to congratulate them and congratulate the French people because one of my aides, I think Abati, told me that the coach is a French person."

President Jonathan then linked this to the meeting on Boko Haram hosted by the French President.

"You see this Arsenal victory is very connected to why we are here. Everyday in Nigeria bombing, kidnap, terrorist. 5 years now. If they didn't sack an ordinary coach who was not winning anything, good 9 years, how much more a country? Nigerians should not lose hope. They should elect me and see the spirit of Wenger take charge. One day, it may be in the 9th year, but one day God will do it for us. Nigerians should just be prayerful and vote for me in 2015."

When asked what specific steps he would take to oust Boko Haram after the meeting he replied: "When you deliver something into the care of God do you ask him what specific steps he will take to solve your problem? People should just be like Arsenal fans please. Be prayerful and wait."

EXCLUSIVE: INTERVIEW WITH SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI

A nondescript house, Abuja, Nigeria, far away from bow ties.

Our political correspondent met up with the CBN Governor-In-Suspension, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and conducted the exclusive interview below.

DP: It is a pleasure to meet you sir. Thank you for granting this interview...
SLS: (cuts in) Please go straight to the point, I don't have all day. Leave niceties for politicians.
DP: Much speculation has trailed your suspension from office, especially that you are a member of Boko Haram...
SLS: (cuts in again. takes off glasses) Who speculated?
DP: Well, people...
SLS: Which people? Look my friend, if you are not ready for this interview tell me. I have an appointment after this.
DP: Okay, Okay. Officials of the presidency, notably Reuben Abati, Reno Omokri, Wendell Simlin and Henry Omoregie.
SLS: I don't believe in killing as a means to solve problems only in very limited situations. So I cannot be Boko Haram. Moreover, Boko Haram is a Salafi group and I am not Salafi or Wahabi or whatever it is they do in Saudi Arabia.
DP: In what limited situation would killing be a valid way of solving problems?
SLS: Like in self defence. Or if you keep asking me stupid questions.
DP: Speaking of killing, Henry Omorogie and so many ads on the internet have accused you of beheading a certain Gideon Akaluka for religious reasons in Kano.
SLS: And so? I can accuse you of being an agent of Jonathan...
DP: But sir...
SLS: Or of trying to sleep with any one of my wives. I saw the way you were looking at them when you walked in.
DP: I had no such intention sir. I am a child of God. I attend Mountain of Fi...
SLS: (laughs) You see?
DP: I still don't get your point.
SLS: My point is, stupid, that where is the proof? Where is the family of the said Akalaka...
DP: Akaluka
SLS: Whatever. Look don't interrupt me again.
DP: Sorry
SLS: The point is, anyone can say anything. Show me the body or the grave or the family.
DP: We have also read reports of your penchant for sleeping with women, especially married ones.
SLS: Did any one of the women come out to complain. If there is one thing that is worse than adulterous sex, it is bad adulterous sex. If two consensual adults enjoy each other, then alhamdulillah.
DP: So you did sleep with Hajiya Maryam Yero?
SLS: You read her texts in Premium Times. Did she complain? I should be thanked. Not castigated.
(Noise from background)
(One of Sanusi's wives, the seconds emerges from behind the curtains)
WIFE 2: (To Sanusi) Ba ka ce mana baka ci ta ba?
SLS: (Angry) Toh na ci ta. Menene? Na ce, an ci ta. Ba mace ba ce?
(Turns to DP correspondent) Look, get out of my house!
DP: Just one last question about bow ties sir...
SLS: I say get out!

Editor's note: We are still in the process of finding an interpreter for the Hausa phrases above. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

OLISA METUH BLAMES APC FOR SAMBO'S CONDITION

Abuja, Nigeria.

PDP National Publicity Secretary, Chief Olisa Metuh in a statement on Wednesday said the ruling party was shocked and has remained grief- stricken since learning about the medical condition of the Vice President, Architect Namadi Sambo. He said that he had been reliably informed that Mr. Sambo had been failing in his conjugal duties since the formation of the APC. 
"There are some things you don't say about a man," Chief Metuh began, looking grave, "but my people say when flatulence has reached an advanced stage you cannot hide it from your kinsmen. The Vice President needs our prayers. His wife is still young. It would be a tragedy of gargantuan proportions if Her Excellency began looking for solutions outside the matrimonial bed. Apart from looking bad, we know what this does for National Security if some small boy somewhere gains entry into the holy of holies."
Chief Metuh expressed regret that the APC had stooped so low as to attack the virility of the Presidency. "We all know politics. But this is beneath even a party as low as the APC. When that short Nasir ElRufai said there would be bloodshed we didn't realise he was going to start by killing the manhood of our beloved Vice President. This is unfortunate."
The PDP Chieftain however expressed hope that the God of Goodluck which was bigger than APC and all its leaders combined, would cure Mr. Sambo. 
-DP

Editor's Note: We at DP wish His Excellency a speedy recovery.With God all things are possible.

BREAKING: NIGERIAN TWEETER KIDNAPPED FOR RITUALS

Abuja, Nigeria

Our undercover reporter has revealed the recent kidnap and release of a young man by men of the State Security Services. Reports reaching us show that the man, name withheld was kidnapped on the pretext that he tweeted things prejudicial to security operations. Our reporter however, confirmed that he was really kidnapped for rituals of an unclear nature. A certain ritualist who shall remain unnamed had asked for a young Nigerian man with moderately sized genitalia to ward off the threat from the Nigerian opposition come 2015. On being taken to the ritualist in the deep forest, the young man's genitals were examined and found to be much too large for the rituals. The government agents, not wanting to waste their effort tried many means to reduce the size of the man's member, which efforts included making him sit naked in a bucket of frozen water. Their intention was to shrink it to size. After 11 days, and a penis still too big for the rituals,  he was quietly released to his family.
All efforts to get the Nigerian Government to comment on this State backed kidnap proved abortive.

EDITORS NOTE: It is unclear whether they are still looking for someone with moderately sized genitals. We however warn the public,especially those with small to moderately sized genitals to be alert and vigilant.