A nondescript house, Abuja, Nigeria, far away from bow ties.
Our political correspondent met up with the CBN Governor-In-Suspension, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and conducted the exclusive interview below.
DP: It is a pleasure to meet you sir. Thank you for granting this interview...
SLS: (cuts in) Please go straight to the point, I don't have all day. Leave niceties for politicians.
DP: Much speculation has trailed your suspension from office, especially that you are a member of Boko Haram...
SLS: (cuts in again. takes off glasses) Who speculated?
DP: Well, people...
SLS: Which people? Look my friend, if you are not ready for this interview tell me. I have an appointment after this.
DP: Okay, Okay. Officials of the presidency, notably Reuben Abati, Reno Omokri, Wendell Simlin and Henry Omoregie.
SLS: I don't believe in killing as a means to solve problems only in very limited situations. So I cannot be Boko Haram. Moreover, Boko Haram is a Salafi group and I am not Salafi or Wahabi or whatever it is they do in Saudi Arabia.
DP: In what limited situation would killing be a valid way of solving problems?
SLS: Like in self defence. Or if you keep asking me stupid questions.
DP: Speaking of killing, Henry Omorogie and so many ads on the internet have accused you of beheading a certain Gideon Akaluka for religious reasons in Kano.
SLS: And so? I can accuse you of being an agent of Jonathan...
DP: But sir...
SLS: Or of trying to sleep with any one of my wives. I saw the way you were looking at them when you walked in.
DP: I had no such intention sir. I am a child of God. I attend Mountain of Fi...
SLS: (laughs) You see?
DP: I still don't get your point.
SLS: My point is, stupid, that where is the proof? Where is the family of the said Akalaka...
DP: Akaluka
SLS: Whatever. Look don't interrupt me again.
DP: Sorry
SLS: The point is, anyone can say anything. Show me the body or the grave or the family.
DP: We have also read reports of your penchant for sleeping with women, especially married ones.
SLS: Did any one of the women come out to complain. If there is one thing that is worse than adulterous sex, it is bad adulterous sex. If two consensual adults enjoy each other, then alhamdulillah.
DP: So you did sleep with Hajiya Maryam Yero?
SLS: You read her texts in Premium Times. Did she complain? I should be thanked. Not castigated.
(Noise from background)
(One of Sanusi's wives, the seconds emerges from behind the curtains)
WIFE 2: (To Sanusi) Ba ka ce mana baka ci ta ba?
SLS: (Angry) Toh na ci ta. Menene? Na ce, an ci ta. Ba mace ba ce?
(Turns to DP correspondent) Look, get out of my house!
DP: Just one last question about bow ties sir...
SLS: I say get out!
Editor's note: We are still in the process of finding an interpreter for the Hausa phrases above. Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
OLISA METUH BLAMES APC FOR SAMBO'S CONDITION
Abuja, Nigeria.
PDP National Publicity Secretary, Chief Olisa Metuh in a statement on Wednesday said the ruling party was shocked and has remained grief- stricken since learning about the medical condition of the Vice President, Architect Namadi Sambo. He said that he had been reliably informed that Mr. Sambo had been failing in his conjugal duties since the formation of the APC.
"There are some things you don't say about a man," Chief Metuh began, looking grave, "but my people say when flatulence has reached an advanced stage you cannot hide it from your kinsmen. The Vice President needs our prayers. His wife is still young. It would be a tragedy of gargantuan proportions if Her Excellency began looking for solutions outside the matrimonial bed. Apart from looking bad, we know what this does for National Security if some small boy somewhere gains entry into the holy of holies."
Chief Metuh expressed regret that the APC had stooped so low as to attack the virility of the Presidency. "We all know politics. But this is beneath even a party as low as the APC. When that short Nasir ElRufai said there would be bloodshed we didn't realise he was going to start by killing the manhood of our beloved Vice President. This is unfortunate."
The PDP Chieftain however expressed hope that the God of Goodluck which was bigger than APC and all its leaders combined, would cure Mr. Sambo.
-DP
Editor's Note: We at DP wish His Excellency a speedy recovery.With God all things are possible.
PDP National Publicity Secretary, Chief Olisa Metuh in a statement on Wednesday said the ruling party was shocked and has remained grief- stricken since learning about the medical condition of the Vice President, Architect Namadi Sambo. He said that he had been reliably informed that Mr. Sambo had been failing in his conjugal duties since the formation of the APC.
"There are some things you don't say about a man," Chief Metuh began, looking grave, "but my people say when flatulence has reached an advanced stage you cannot hide it from your kinsmen. The Vice President needs our prayers. His wife is still young. It would be a tragedy of gargantuan proportions if Her Excellency began looking for solutions outside the matrimonial bed. Apart from looking bad, we know what this does for National Security if some small boy somewhere gains entry into the holy of holies."
Chief Metuh expressed regret that the APC had stooped so low as to attack the virility of the Presidency. "We all know politics. But this is beneath even a party as low as the APC. When that short Nasir ElRufai said there would be bloodshed we didn't realise he was going to start by killing the manhood of our beloved Vice President. This is unfortunate."
The PDP Chieftain however expressed hope that the God of Goodluck which was bigger than APC and all its leaders combined, would cure Mr. Sambo.
-DP
Editor's Note: We at DP wish His Excellency a speedy recovery.With God all things are possible.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
BREAKING: NIGERIAN TWEETER KIDNAPPED FOR RITUALS
Abuja, Nigeria
Our undercover reporter has revealed the recent kidnap and release of a young man by men of the State Security Services. Reports reaching us show that the man, name withheld was kidnapped on the pretext that he tweeted things prejudicial to security operations. Our reporter however, confirmed that he was really kidnapped for rituals of an unclear nature. A certain ritualist who shall remain unnamed had asked for a young Nigerian man with moderately sized genitalia to ward off the threat from the Nigerian opposition come 2015. On being taken to the ritualist in the deep forest, the young man's genitals were examined and found to be much too large for the rituals. The government agents, not wanting to waste their effort tried many means to reduce the size of the man's member, which efforts included making him sit naked in a bucket of frozen water. Their intention was to shrink it to size. After 11 days, and a penis still too big for the rituals, he was quietly released to his family.
All efforts to get the Nigerian Government to comment on this State backed kidnap proved abortive.
EDITORS NOTE: It is unclear whether they are still looking for someone with moderately sized genitals. We however warn the public,especially those with small to moderately sized genitals to be alert and vigilant.
Our undercover reporter has revealed the recent kidnap and release of a young man by men of the State Security Services. Reports reaching us show that the man, name withheld was kidnapped on the pretext that he tweeted things prejudicial to security operations. Our reporter however, confirmed that he was really kidnapped for rituals of an unclear nature. A certain ritualist who shall remain unnamed had asked for a young Nigerian man with moderately sized genitalia to ward off the threat from the Nigerian opposition come 2015. On being taken to the ritualist in the deep forest, the young man's genitals were examined and found to be much too large for the rituals. The government agents, not wanting to waste their effort tried many means to reduce the size of the man's member, which efforts included making him sit naked in a bucket of frozen water. Their intention was to shrink it to size. After 11 days, and a penis still too big for the rituals, he was quietly released to his family.
All efforts to get the Nigerian Government to comment on this State backed kidnap proved abortive.
EDITORS NOTE: It is unclear whether they are still looking for someone with moderately sized genitals. We however warn the public,especially those with small to moderately sized genitals to be alert and vigilant.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
DANGOTE DEDICATES REST OF LIFE TO ALLAH
Abuja, Nigeria
Africa's richest person, Aliko Dangote, President of the Dangote group turned 57, Thursday. In events leading up to an unprecedented birthday bash, he granted an exclusive birthday interview to our reporter in Abuja.
"I realise I am a tin billionaire," he began. "I must say that, anywhere else with the rule of law and fair competition, I would not have become this rich and for this I am grateful to Allah. I just want to assure Nigerians that although through regular large donations to the PDP I have maintained de facto monopolies I am a god fearing man who neither smokes, drinks nor commits zina. It is not that I hate those things. It is that I have no time for them, but God judges actions."
On the rumour that he was maintaining a yacht in Lagos, he said: "This is true. But I have resolved to give up all my ill acquired wealth and donate that yacht to the National Mosque. Think of it, hearing the call to prayer in the ocean."
Renouncing all worldly wealth and vowing to start a new life, he stated: "At this point I have it all: money cars and monopolies. I am the richest dude in the largest economy in Africa. I am hereby donating a third of my wealth to the poor of Nigeria and living the rest of my life without ruining my competition. I advise the PDP to leave me alone and look for some other benefactor. I dedicate the rest of my life to the work of Allah starting with a building a casino where there will be no alcohol and the money gotten from the losers will be used to propagate the word of God."
-DP
Africa's richest person, Aliko Dangote, President of the Dangote group turned 57, Thursday. In events leading up to an unprecedented birthday bash, he granted an exclusive birthday interview to our reporter in Abuja.
"I realise I am a tin billionaire," he began. "I must say that, anywhere else with the rule of law and fair competition, I would not have become this rich and for this I am grateful to Allah. I just want to assure Nigerians that although through regular large donations to the PDP I have maintained de facto monopolies I am a god fearing man who neither smokes, drinks nor commits zina. It is not that I hate those things. It is that I have no time for them, but God judges actions."
On the rumour that he was maintaining a yacht in Lagos, he said: "This is true. But I have resolved to give up all my ill acquired wealth and donate that yacht to the National Mosque. Think of it, hearing the call to prayer in the ocean."
Renouncing all worldly wealth and vowing to start a new life, he stated: "At this point I have it all: money cars and monopolies. I am the richest dude in the largest economy in Africa. I am hereby donating a third of my wealth to the poor of Nigeria and living the rest of my life without ruining my competition. I advise the PDP to leave me alone and look for some other benefactor. I dedicate the rest of my life to the work of Allah starting with a building a casino where there will be no alcohol and the money gotten from the losers will be used to propagate the word of God."
-DP
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
CHEQUE ISSUED TO FANI KAYODE BOUNCES, HE RETURNS TO APC.
Abuja, Nigeria
Following a long meeting with the Presidency and with Goodluck Jonathan, Femi Fani Kayode, former minister of aviation hinted at his movement from opposition APC to the ruling PDP. In a brief interview with our reporter he stated: "The PDP has shown that it fears the Lord. And for me, Jesus is important. Whether I am sleeping with Igbo women, or Lebanese women or whether there are rumours of my family members sleeping with Atiku and Obasanjo, Jesus and my Christian faith are uppermost in my mind. In spite of my fiery articles against them, PDP helps me to touch base with Jesus every now and again."
While he spoke, our reporter noticed a powdery substance on his nose but could not ascertain what it was.
However, in an unexpected twist, sources inside Mr. Fani Kayode's home have informed Dissociated Press that upon the bouncing of a cheque issued shortly after his meeting with the President's Chief of Staff, he denied moving to PDP.
"Those who spread rumours of my decamping are shameless liars," he fumed, holding a copy of the bounced cheque in his hand. "My God is bigger than their God and I am still a member of the Islamic APC. I will not give up on preaching the good news of Jesus to Buhari and his cohorts until they see the light."
-DP
Following a long meeting with the Presidency and with Goodluck Jonathan, Femi Fani Kayode, former minister of aviation hinted at his movement from opposition APC to the ruling PDP. In a brief interview with our reporter he stated: "The PDP has shown that it fears the Lord. And for me, Jesus is important. Whether I am sleeping with Igbo women, or Lebanese women or whether there are rumours of my family members sleeping with Atiku and Obasanjo, Jesus and my Christian faith are uppermost in my mind. In spite of my fiery articles against them, PDP helps me to touch base with Jesus every now and again."
While he spoke, our reporter noticed a powdery substance on his nose but could not ascertain what it was.
However, in an unexpected twist, sources inside Mr. Fani Kayode's home have informed Dissociated Press that upon the bouncing of a cheque issued shortly after his meeting with the President's Chief of Staff, he denied moving to PDP.
"Those who spread rumours of my decamping are shameless liars," he fumed, holding a copy of the bounced cheque in his hand. "My God is bigger than their God and I am still a member of the Islamic APC. I will not give up on preaching the good news of Jesus to Buhari and his cohorts until they see the light."
-DP
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. JONATHAN ON 20 BILLION DOLLARS' SCANDAL
Aso Villa, Nigeria.
Following speculations regarding the whereabouts of the missing funds from the Nigerian National Petroleum Commission put at 20 billion dollars, President Jonathan has lashed out at persons criticising him for having stolen the money.
In an unexpected interview, a fuming Jonathan told our reporter that he did not know anything and was just "a small boy" for casting aspersions on the person of the President.
"Look I’m a realist and I’m a practical person, and that’s why I behave differently and don’t pretend," he began as he calmed down. "Look at IBB. Who is beating him over the 12 billion dollars oil windfall money? Have we executed the Abacha family? Is Abacha's children not even enjoying twitter? Please allow me. Other presidents did their own, let me too do my own. Do you know how expensive elections in Nigeria are?"
When our reporter tried to ask if two wrongs made a right the president replied: "abeg abeg abeg" after which our petite reporter was whisked away by heavily armed men of the SSS. At the time of going to press we are still trying to secure his release. Please pray for him.
-DP
Following speculations regarding the whereabouts of the missing funds from the Nigerian National Petroleum Commission put at 20 billion dollars, President Jonathan has lashed out at persons criticising him for having stolen the money.
In an unexpected interview, a fuming Jonathan told our reporter that he did not know anything and was just "a small boy" for casting aspersions on the person of the President.
"Look I’m a realist and I’m a practical person, and that’s why I behave differently and don’t pretend," he began as he calmed down. "Look at IBB. Who is beating him over the 12 billion dollars oil windfall money? Have we executed the Abacha family? Is Abacha's children not even enjoying twitter? Please allow me. Other presidents did their own, let me too do my own. Do you know how expensive elections in Nigeria are?"
When our reporter tried to ask if two wrongs made a right the president replied: "abeg abeg abeg" after which our petite reporter was whisked away by heavily armed men of the SSS. At the time of going to press we are still trying to secure his release. Please pray for him.
-DP
TUFACE IDIBIA CALLS REBASING A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY
Otukpo, Nigeria
Reactions have begun to trail the recent pronouncement by the Nigerian government of its intention to rebase the country's GDP, changing the baseline from 1990 to 2000. By this new baseline, Nigeria now has a GDP of well over 500 billion dollars and is now Africa's largest economy. Following in the government's footsteps, many persons have now begun to apply rebasing in their private lives. In condemning this new trend, singer Innocent "Tuface" Idibia has lamented how this singular act is destroying the lives of well meaning Nigerians. He was reacting to the sudden leap in reports of the number of women he has been sleeping with since he married one of his former lovers, Annie.
Speaking to our reporter who met him in a bar with an unidentified female, he said: "Annie knew I have been with many women, she knows all my children from all the other women. Yeah. She does. Yeah. But since I married her I have changed. All these guys writing anyhow blogs saying I am with other women now are wicked. And I blame Jonathan. Overnight he has rebased us and one has become plenty. I will sue anybody who rebase the number of women I am sleeping with. This rebasing, it is a crime against humanity."
When our reporter inquired about the identity of the woman he was with, Mr. Idibia sternly told him that the interview was over. We were lucky not to lose our recording equipment in the process.
-DP
Editors note: DP congratulates Nigeria on its overnight growth and sudden leap among the comity of nations. With just a little act, we as a country have been saved. Like they say, a little leaven ferments the whole lump.
Reactions have begun to trail the recent pronouncement by the Nigerian government of its intention to rebase the country's GDP, changing the baseline from 1990 to 2000. By this new baseline, Nigeria now has a GDP of well over 500 billion dollars and is now Africa's largest economy. Following in the government's footsteps, many persons have now begun to apply rebasing in their private lives. In condemning this new trend, singer Innocent "Tuface" Idibia has lamented how this singular act is destroying the lives of well meaning Nigerians. He was reacting to the sudden leap in reports of the number of women he has been sleeping with since he married one of his former lovers, Annie.
Speaking to our reporter who met him in a bar with an unidentified female, he said: "Annie knew I have been with many women, she knows all my children from all the other women. Yeah. She does. Yeah. But since I married her I have changed. All these guys writing anyhow blogs saying I am with other women now are wicked. And I blame Jonathan. Overnight he has rebased us and one has become plenty. I will sue anybody who rebase the number of women I am sleeping with. This rebasing, it is a crime against humanity."
When our reporter inquired about the identity of the woman he was with, Mr. Idibia sternly told him that the interview was over. We were lucky not to lose our recording equipment in the process.
-DP
Editors note: DP congratulates Nigeria on its overnight growth and sudden leap among the comity of nations. With just a little act, we as a country have been saved. Like they say, a little leaven ferments the whole lump.
NATIONAL CONFAB DELEGATE CAUGHT WATCHING PORN
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