BREAKING NEWS: JONATHAN PAYS SURPRISE VISIT TO BORNO TROOPS

CHIBOK, BORNO STATE

President Goodluck Jonathan secretly slipped into Borno under the cover of darkness on Thursday, ahead of a weekend visit with Nigerian troops serving in the protracted north-east war against Boko Haram insurgents - Nigeria's longest war.

Jonathan's presidential jet landed at the Maiduguri airport. He is scheduled to spend a few hours with soldiers in a military camp in Chibok as well as others around the state. He however has no plans to visit the governor of Borno State who has had a tumultuous relationship with Aso Rock.

Jonathan's surprise trip comes as the troops struggle to regain territory lost to Boko Haram. This will be the first visit by a serving Nigerian president to an area of conflict while the conflict is going on. The visit is expected to boost the morale of battle-weary troops and send a strong message to Nigerians about the president's commitment to ending the war in the north east. He is also expected to announce a new welfare package for soldiers at the war front that will see them get twice the stipends they now receive. 

President Jonathan blasts America over Ferguson.

Abuja, Nigeria.

President Jonathan, Tuesday, at a world press conference in Abuja, flanked, by his bosom friend, President Deby of Chad, expressed displeasure at the situation unfolding in Ferguson, America. On Tuesday, a jury of 12, cleared a white officer of any wrongdoing in the shooting and killing of a black, unarmed teenager.
"The free world cannot stand by and watch while minorities get oppressed by persons who should protect them. As world leaders we will not stand by and watch the human rights of black minorities trampled upon. It is shameful how Obama, a half-black president cannot stand up for the human rights of people almost like him."
Mr Jonathan whose Nigeria has the biggest economy in Africa is largely considered to be the leader of the black world. President Jonathan also had words for what he considered disgraceful coverage of the Ferguson crisis by CNN.
"I am shocked that while minorities are being killed and denied justice, the mostly white anchors of CNN are mostly concerned about getting teargas in their eyes for ratings and chastising the black people who are legitimately angry."

When reminded that Don Lemon, a CNN anchor at the scene was black, Mr. Jonathan said: "That Lemon man, I didn't even know he was black. He is very light skinned. And he hates black people. I doubt he is black. But I will ask Reuben Abati to do the research. But I don't like the man. He doesn't even know how to use a gas mask."
President Jonathan also hinted at sending special troops to support the legitimate agitations of the endangered black people in America. He however ruled out the possibility of boots on the ground in America.
"We have begun the airlift of our citizens from that violent country back home. We cannot afford to lose Nigerians over there." He said.

APC CHRISTIANS URGE FASHOLA TO ACCEPT CHRIST AND END DEADLOCK

Abuja, Nigeria.

 A Christian group within the All Progressives Congress (APC), Nigeria's main opposition party, have been holding marathon meetings over the purported Muslim-Muslim ticket rumoured to be in the works in the APC. 

Many analysts and pundits have expressed concern over the rumours, which suggest that the APC may field General Muhammadu Buhari alongside Governor Babatunde Fashola, also a Muslim. Even with rumours that Governor Fashola consumes alcohol and bacon and was not that much of a devout Muslim, Nigerian Christians as well as Christian members of the APC have viewed the pairing with suspicion. Chicken Farmer and ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo even recently warned political parties against fielding candidates of the same religion, a warning purportedly directed at the APC. However, Fashola remains one of the most popular members of the APC due to his comparatively stellar performance as Lagos governor. 

To remedy the suspicion raised by this potentially great but religiously imbalanced pairing, a group within the APC that calls itself Christians Urgently Needing Transformation (CUNT) has come up with an elaborate program of consultations and prayers culminating in a visit, Wednesday, to the Lagos Governor to urge him to accept Jesus as his Lord and personal savior and "save Nigeria from imminent collapse under the PDP". 

Mr Fashola thanked the group for their visit and promised them that he would think deeply about their proposal. 

It is expected that once Governor Fashola converts to Christianity, the way will be clear for him to run with the Muslim Buhari. 

All attempts to reach Governor Fashola for comment failed woefully. 

SENATE PRESIDENT DENIES BEING DAVID MARK OF ABACHA ERA

Abuja, Nigeria.

Senate President, David Mark has Saturday debunked rumours linking him to the truncation of democracy in 1993 together with General Sani Abacha and Murtala Nyako. He was reacting to a Sahara Reporters video showing Professor Humphrey Nwosu, former NEC Chairman, explaining why the free and fair election of 1993 was annulled. Professor Nwosu had named David Mark, then a senior member of the ruling military junta, as one of the main persons who orchestrated the annulling of the elections for no justifiable reason. Sahara Reporters had also reprinted the speech annulling the elections which had David Mark as one of those who signed the document cancelling the elections. He was listed as the third signatory by the name: "Brigadier General David Alechenu Mark- Director, National War College."

Responding, David Mark swore on all the lives of his "twenty or so children", saying: "I am an icon of democracy, I have been championing democracy since 99, how can I annul elections? It wasn't me. I swear. It wasn't me. Maybe another David Mark, but not me."
When our reporter showed him pictures of himself in military uniform, he said: "Look here young man, even Shekau has his double. People can do anything with photos."
It is expected that David Mark will seek election in the 2015 general elections.

DOYIN OKUPE LIKENS BUHARI TO HERPES

Abuja, Nigeria.

Mr Doyin Okupe, spokesperson to the Nigerian President, in an exclusive interview with Dissociated Press commented extensively on the declaration of General Muhammadu Buhari for presidency under the All Progressives Alliance (APC). Speaking shortly after his boss Mr Jonathan declared he was going to run for office in 2015, he said, "Is Buhari not tired? Why does he keep chasing after the presidency? Why not allow a younger man like Jonathan to finish his term. You know this Buhari is just like herpes. Never goes away. You think it is gone but it keeps coming back, relentless."
Mr Okupe however, called on Nigerians to support "the choice of God for the greatest black nation on earth". When asked by our reporter why exactly he likened Buhari to herpes, Okupe said, "everyone who has had herpes know what I mean. Every 4 months, just when you forget it is there, it shows up and makes life miserable for you."
When asked if he knew herpes from reading or from experience Okupe retorted: "I have had it before, when I was in university, but thank God I no longer have it."
Our reporter then reminded Mr Okupe that there was no cure for herpes, following which Mr Okupe chased him with blows. Mr Okupe has since stopped responding to our phone calls.

BREAKING: JONATHAN ADMITS TO CORRUPTION. APOLOGIZES.

Abuja. Nigeria.

Following his being outed as the 6th richest President in Africa, Mr Jonathan in a rare exclusive interview with our Nigerian reporter, disclosed Friday, that he was aware of the myriad allegations of corruption against him, his family, his women friends and his government. Mr Jonathan had always maintained a dignified silence in the face of accusations and gone about his business of running Africa's largest economy. However, this Friday, facing threats of sanctions from the international community and America who recently denied his wife a visa, he has capitulated.
"I admit to taking a few billion dollars from NNPC and other slush funds," he began, teary-eyed. "I never intended to hurt anyone. Elections are expensive and all I have ever done is struggle to make things work. I had a tough childhood and have always had to fight for everything I have. I promise that this will never happen again, ever."
He urged Nigerians not to be enemies of progress and refuse to bring him back to power in 2015. "When a man is a star," he said, "you don't try to bring him down. You have to draw a line between justice and wickedness."
He said further that it was sufficient that people had called him out on all the impropriety and Nigerians should now focus on seeing him learn from his mistakes and grow in office between 2015 and 2019. "Who God have bless, no man can curse," he ended.
It is not clear whether Nigerians will temper justice with mercy and return him for another four year term in 2015. When asked if he would return the monies he had taken, he retorted: "Is an apology not good enough? What do you want? My blood?".

BREAKING: Shocker! Jonathan Won't Return From Germany

Abuja- Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock correspondent indicate that after a marathon meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Jonathan may not be returning to Nigeria after his "private visit". Our correspondent whose source inside President Jonathan's small entourage is reliable, has told us that President Jonathan was filled with enormous guilt after the meeting and decided to renounce corruption and bad governance.

"What will I tell God when I die?" President Jonathan confided in a friend whose identity we cannot disclose.

President Jonathan has reportedly finished drafting his resignation letter and is about completing the process of seeking asylum in Germany because he is afraid to face prosecution for corruption when he returns without presidential immunity.

When asked whether he would send for his family, he responded: "Every one has his race to run. I was born alone. Pashay (Patience) was born alone. She can come if she wants. Or she can face trial for corruption. It is all up to her. Me I have made my choice."

It will be recalled that Nuhu Ribadu once investigated Mrs Jonathan for money laundering after a courier was arrested with millions of pounds reportedly belonging to her.

President Jonathan has also reportedly begun a regimen of strict exercise and dieting as well as quit wearing his bowler hat. He said the hat reminded him of his sinful days.

It is unclear whether the Vice President will take over as president or resign himself and hand over to the Senate President.

More details shortly.

BREAKING: JONATHAN FIRES DIEZANI, OKUPE

Abuja, Nigeria.

Reports reaching our Aso Rock reporter indicate that Nigerian President, Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, who was recently certified Ebola free in America, may have fired some of his dearest cabinet members, Monday. A source who swore to deal with our reporter if his identity was revealed showed leaked messages of a memo directing that Minister for Petroleum and rumoured sweetheart of President Jonathan, Diezani Allison Madueke immediately hand over to the Permanent Secretary in that Ministry and leave office. She is to return all items belonging to the Ministry including any monies she might have been stashing for the president. Also affected by the shakeup include presidential spokesperson, Doyin Okupe, who was reportedly fired for "acting like a teenager on Twitter". 

It will be recalled that Mr Okupe recently invoked the power of God in the recent elections in Osun, calling the opponents of the PDP candidate cohorts of Satan. It is not clear whether the presidency blames Okupe for losing the Osun elections. Upon being notified of his sack, Okupe is said to have immediately tweeted:

"Good riddance.Tired of d lies even.Nevr realy liked Ebele nyway.Was jst in it for the money. #Bringbackourgirls jo." 

Minutes later, the tweet was deleted. It is not immediately clear if his account was hacked. He declined all requests for comment. 

In related news, Malam Nuhu Ribadu, who recently dumped the APC, has been appointed as the head of an investigative team probing the NNPC to uncover any fraud. 

All attempts to reach the presidency for comments failed woefully. 

OKUPE, ABATI, HOSPITALIZED FOR RARE INFECTION

Abuja, Nigeria.

Shortly following his interview on BBC Focus on Africa, the Senior Special Assistant to the President on Public Affairs, Doyin Okupe was rushed to the National Hospital in Abuja for a life threatening mouth infection. Our sources also report that Abati has also been hospitalized for the same ailment.
In an interview with our correspondent, Chief Medical Director of the National Hospital, Professor Bello Bala Shehu explained that the infection which occurs a lot among politicians climbing up the ladder was caused by "contact of the mouth with the anal region." Asked to explain further he said: You non medical people call it kissing ass. When an aide to a politician does that often then the mouth oozes with horrible smelling discharges, offensive to normal human beings. This is what they are suffering from."
Professor Shehu could not state the duration of treatment or if they could recover from this infection.


Editors note: We at Dissociated Press are deeply concerned about the health of these public servants. We wish them a quick recovery.

JONATHAN CONGRATULATES ARSENAL, URGES NIGERIANS TO EMULATE FANS

Paris, France.

Breaking from a meeting to discuss how to end Boko Haram with his West African neighbours, President Goodluck Jonathan took time out to share in the joy of a football club that has faced years of stigma as one which never won anything.

"I don't really watch football, but even a blind man can feel the global excitement when Arsenal won something. Even in my blackberry I was getting messages from my son and from Tompolo- I didn't know militants like football. Even Asari changed his display picture to Arsenal. I want to congratulate them and congratulate the French people because one of my aides, I think Abati, told me that the coach is a French person."

President Jonathan then linked this to the meeting on Boko Haram hosted by the French President.

"You see this Arsenal victory is very connected to why we are here. Everyday in Nigeria bombing, kidnap, terrorist. 5 years now. If they didn't sack an ordinary coach who was not winning anything, good 9 years, how much more a country? Nigerians should not lose hope. They should elect me and see the spirit of Wenger take charge. One day, it may be in the 9th year, but one day God will do it for us. Nigerians should just be prayerful and vote for me in 2015."

When asked what specific steps he would take to oust Boko Haram after the meeting he replied: "When you deliver something into the care of God do you ask him what specific steps he will take to solve your problem? People should just be like Arsenal fans please. Be prayerful and wait."

EXCLUSIVE: INTERVIEW WITH SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI

A nondescript house, Abuja, Nigeria, far away from bow ties.

Our political correspondent met up with the CBN Governor-In-Suspension, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and conducted the exclusive interview below.

DP: It is a pleasure to meet you sir. Thank you for granting this interview...
SLS: (cuts in) Please go straight to the point, I don't have all day. Leave niceties for politicians.
DP: Much speculation has trailed your suspension from office, especially that you are a member of Boko Haram...
SLS: (cuts in again. takes off glasses) Who speculated?
DP: Well, people...
SLS: Which people? Look my friend, if you are not ready for this interview tell me. I have an appointment after this.
DP: Okay, Okay. Officials of the presidency, notably Reuben Abati, Reno Omokri, Wendell Simlin and Henry Omoregie.
SLS: I don't believe in killing as a means to solve problems only in very limited situations. So I cannot be Boko Haram. Moreover, Boko Haram is a Salafi group and I am not Salafi or Wahabi or whatever it is they do in Saudi Arabia.
DP: In what limited situation would killing be a valid way of solving problems?
SLS: Like in self defence. Or if you keep asking me stupid questions.
DP: Speaking of killing, Henry Omorogie and so many ads on the internet have accused you of beheading a certain Gideon Akaluka for religious reasons in Kano.
SLS: And so? I can accuse you of being an agent of Jonathan...
DP: But sir...
SLS: Or of trying to sleep with any one of my wives. I saw the way you were looking at them when you walked in.
DP: I had no such intention sir. I am a child of God. I attend Mountain of Fi...
SLS: (laughs) You see?
DP: I still don't get your point.
SLS: My point is, stupid, that where is the proof? Where is the family of the said Akalaka...
DP: Akaluka
SLS: Whatever. Look don't interrupt me again.
DP: Sorry
SLS: The point is, anyone can say anything. Show me the body or the grave or the family.
DP: We have also read reports of your penchant for sleeping with women, especially married ones.
SLS: Did any one of the women come out to complain. If there is one thing that is worse than adulterous sex, it is bad adulterous sex. If two consensual adults enjoy each other, then alhamdulillah.
DP: So you did sleep with Hajiya Maryam Yero?
SLS: You read her texts in Premium Times. Did she complain? I should be thanked. Not castigated.
(Noise from background)
(One of Sanusi's wives, the seconds emerges from behind the curtains)
WIFE 2: (To Sanusi) Ba ka ce mana baka ci ta ba?
SLS: (Angry) Toh na ci ta. Menene? Na ce, an ci ta. Ba mace ba ce?
(Turns to DP correspondent) Look, get out of my house!
DP: Just one last question about bow ties sir...
SLS: I say get out!

Editor's note: We are still in the process of finding an interpreter for the Hausa phrases above. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

OLISA METUH BLAMES APC FOR SAMBO'S CONDITION

Abuja, Nigeria.

PDP National Publicity Secretary, Chief Olisa Metuh in a statement on Wednesday said the ruling party was shocked and has remained grief- stricken since learning about the medical condition of the Vice President, Architect Namadi Sambo. He said that he had been reliably informed that Mr. Sambo had been failing in his conjugal duties since the formation of the APC. 
"There are some things you don't say about a man," Chief Metuh began, looking grave, "but my people say when flatulence has reached an advanced stage you cannot hide it from your kinsmen. The Vice President needs our prayers. His wife is still young. It would be a tragedy of gargantuan proportions if Her Excellency began looking for solutions outside the matrimonial bed. Apart from looking bad, we know what this does for National Security if some small boy somewhere gains entry into the holy of holies."
Chief Metuh expressed regret that the APC had stooped so low as to attack the virility of the Presidency. "We all know politics. But this is beneath even a party as low as the APC. When that short Nasir ElRufai said there would be bloodshed we didn't realise he was going to start by killing the manhood of our beloved Vice President. This is unfortunate."
The PDP Chieftain however expressed hope that the God of Goodluck which was bigger than APC and all its leaders combined, would cure Mr. Sambo. 
-DP

Editor's Note: We at DP wish His Excellency a speedy recovery.With God all things are possible.

BREAKING: NIGERIAN TWEETER KIDNAPPED FOR RITUALS

Abuja, Nigeria

Our undercover reporter has revealed the recent kidnap and release of a young man by men of the State Security Services. Reports reaching us show that the man, name withheld was kidnapped on the pretext that he tweeted things prejudicial to security operations. Our reporter however, confirmed that he was really kidnapped for rituals of an unclear nature. A certain ritualist who shall remain unnamed had asked for a young Nigerian man with moderately sized genitalia to ward off the threat from the Nigerian opposition come 2015. On being taken to the ritualist in the deep forest, the young man's genitals were examined and found to be much too large for the rituals. The government agents, not wanting to waste their effort tried many means to reduce the size of the man's member, which efforts included making him sit naked in a bucket of frozen water. Their intention was to shrink it to size. After 11 days, and a penis still too big for the rituals,  he was quietly released to his family.
All efforts to get the Nigerian Government to comment on this State backed kidnap proved abortive.

EDITORS NOTE: It is unclear whether they are still looking for someone with moderately sized genitals. We however warn the public,especially those with small to moderately sized genitals to be alert and vigilant.

DANGOTE DEDICATES REST OF LIFE TO ALLAH

Abuja, Nigeria

Africa's richest person, Aliko Dangote, President of the Dangote group turned 57, Thursday. In events leading up to an unprecedented birthday bash, he granted an exclusive birthday interview to our reporter in Abuja.
"I realise I am a tin billionaire," he began. "I must say that, anywhere else with the rule of law and fair competition, I would not have become this rich and for this I am grateful to Allah. I just want to assure Nigerians that although through regular large donations to the PDP I have maintained de facto monopolies I am a god fearing man who neither smokes, drinks nor commits zina. It is not that I hate those things. It is that I have no time for them, but God judges actions."
On the rumour that he was maintaining a yacht in Lagos, he said: "This is true. But I have resolved to give up all my ill acquired wealth and donate that yacht to the National Mosque. Think of it, hearing the call to prayer in the ocean."
Renouncing all worldly wealth and vowing to start a new life, he stated: "At this point I have it all: money cars and monopolies. I am the richest dude in the largest economy in Africa. I am hereby donating a third of my wealth to the poor of  Nigeria and living the rest of my life without ruining my competition. I advise the PDP to leave me alone and look for some other benefactor. I dedicate the rest of my life to the work of Allah starting with a building a casino where there will be no alcohol and the money gotten from the losers will be used to propagate the word of God."
-DP

CHEQUE ISSUED TO FANI KAYODE BOUNCES, HE RETURNS TO APC.

Abuja, Nigeria

Following a long meeting with the Presidency and with Goodluck Jonathan, Femi Fani Kayode, former minister of aviation hinted at his movement from opposition APC to the ruling PDP. In a brief interview with our reporter he stated: "The PDP has shown that it fears the Lord. And for me, Jesus is important. Whether I am sleeping with Igbo women, or Lebanese women or whether there are rumours of my family members sleeping with Atiku and Obasanjo, Jesus and my Christian faith are uppermost in my mind. In spite of my fiery articles against them, PDP helps me to touch base with Jesus every now and again."
While he spoke, our reporter noticed a powdery substance on his nose but could not ascertain what it was.
However, in an unexpected twist, sources inside Mr. Fani Kayode's home have informed Dissociated Press that upon the bouncing of a cheque issued shortly after his meeting with the President's Chief of Staff, he denied moving to PDP.
"Those who spread rumours of my decamping are shameless liars," he fumed, holding a copy of the bounced cheque in his hand. "My God is bigger than their God and I am still a member of the Islamic APC. I will not give up on preaching the good news of Jesus to Buhari and his cohorts until they see the light."
-DP

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. JONATHAN ON 20 BILLION DOLLARS' SCANDAL

Aso Villa, Nigeria.

Following speculations regarding the whereabouts of the missing funds from the Nigerian National Petroleum Commission put at 20 billion dollars, President Jonathan has lashed out at persons criticising him for having stolen the money.
In an unexpected interview, a fuming Jonathan told our reporter that he did not know anything and was just "a small boy" for casting aspersions on the person of the President.
"Look I’m a realist and I’m a practical person, and that’s why I behave differently and don’t pretend," he began as he calmed down. "Look at IBB. Who is beating him over the 12 billion dollars oil windfall money? Have we executed the Abacha family? Is Abacha's children not even enjoying twitter? Please allow me. Other presidents did their own, let me too do my own. Do you know how expensive elections in Nigeria are?"
When our reporter tried to ask if two wrongs made a right the president replied: "abeg abeg abeg" after which our petite reporter was whisked away by heavily armed men of the SSS. At the time of going to press we are still trying to secure his release. Please pray for him.
-DP

TUFACE IDIBIA CALLS REBASING A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY

Otukpo, Nigeria

Reactions have begun to trail the recent pronouncement by the Nigerian government of its intention to rebase the country's GDP, changing the baseline from 1990 to 2000. By this new baseline, Nigeria now has a GDP of well over 500 billion dollars and is now Africa's largest economy. Following in the government's footsteps, many persons have now begun to apply rebasing in their private lives. In condemning this new trend, singer Innocent "Tuface" Idibia has lamented how this singular act is destroying the lives of well meaning Nigerians. He was reacting to the sudden leap in reports of the number of women he has been sleeping with since he married one of his former lovers, Annie.
Speaking to our reporter who met him in a bar with an unidentified female, he said: "Annie knew I have been with many women, she knows all my children from all the other women. Yeah. She does. Yeah. But since I married her I have changed. All these guys writing anyhow blogs saying I am with other women now are wicked. And I blame Jonathan. Overnight he has rebased us and one has become plenty. I will sue anybody who rebase the number of women I am sleeping with. This rebasing, it is a crime against humanity."
When our reporter inquired about the identity of the woman he was with, Mr. Idibia sternly told him that the interview was over. We were lucky not to lose our recording equipment in the process.
-DP

Editors note: DP congratulates Nigeria on its overnight growth and sudden leap among the comity of nations. With just a little act, we as a country have been saved. Like they say, a little leaven ferments the whole lump.

NATIONAL CONFAB DELEGATE CAUGHT WATCHING PORN

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MISSION STATEMENT

Welcome to our page.

Dissociated Press is satire news. Google the word. We understand that in Nigeria this is difficult seeing as daily life mimics satire. We will attempt to be original. Where we fail, we will not accept responsibility. We reserve the right to edit things that offend people without issuing apologies. None of our facts are cross checked- we simply do not have the resources to do so. We prefer tea to coffee, Rihanna to Beyoncé, Achebe to Soyinka, protected sex to unprotected sex, nonbelievers to monotheists, Funmi Iyanda to Mo Abudu, living in sin to marriage and bidets (or baby wipes) to tissue. If you don't get the cultural references, befriend a Nigerian. We believe in equal rights for all persons, black, white, bleached, gay, straight, confused, virgins, promiscuous, tall, short, thin, fat, gluttonous, religious or godless. We will delete comments that put us down (anything from "annoying" to "nice") and respond to comments that give us high praise. Enjoy. And remember, if you like this page, tell others about us; if you don’t, keep it to yourself.

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